


The Deception of Touch

by Eggsyobsessed



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Canon Compliant up until after Eggsy kills Valentine, Coping, Eggsy Unwin Whump, Eggsy Unwin has Touch Aversion and does not know it, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Eventual Poly relationship (Merlin/Eggsy/Sebastian), Eventual Threesome - M/M/M, Falling In Love, Feels, Forced Prostitution, Getting Together, Harry Hart Lives, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Merlin is supportive, Mersebwin, Past Prostitution, Past physical abuse, Poor Eggsy Unwin, Poor Merlin (Kingsman), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut, Therapy, Touch Aversion, Touch-Starved, Trust Issues, not dub or non because Eggsy has agreed depending on circumstances, past emotional/psychological abuse, they will be okay, under duress honeypot, unexpected honeypot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2020-03-09 21:53:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18925735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/pseuds/Eggsyobsessed
Summary: "Touch comes before sight, before speech. It is the first language, and the last, and it always tells the truth." – Margaret Atwood---Eggsy Unwin had known the comfort, the reassurance of a fathers and mothers touch when you were scared. What it was like to be loved and cared for.That was until his father died, his mother going into a depression and that loving touch was less and less. Until Dean came around, he had shown Eggsy, reminded him, what it was like to be loved by a father figure. It was all great, his mum had stabilized and then Dean moved in. And it all changed. Eggsy no longer knew the tender hand of a parent, but the harsh-bruising one of a man who got drunk and high regularly.From the time he was 10 - until he was able to escape to the marines for a short time - to when he was saved by Harry Hart; Eggsy had only known the physical pain brought on by the one thing that was supposed to provide comfort.And now, he flinched away from the tender caress, a gentle hand brought for reassurance, guidance, and it was hard. Especially when it came to his good mate, Roxy, or Harry. And especially concerning his blossoming relationship with Merlin.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mang_o](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mang_o/gifts).



> This is all mang_o's fault, and she knows it, and I'm sure she'll take full responsibility for it. 
> 
> It was the last thing I need, another story, but here I am. This will be an emotional ride, and probably a painful one at times. I tagged it for possible triggers of PTSD, past physical and psychological abuse. 
> 
> I have read up on touch aversion caused by PTSD, and touch aversion. There are various degree's some mild, some more severe. 
> 
> This is not beta read, I proofread before I post and apologize for any mistakes my eyes have missed. I hope you all enjoy the ride.

“Harder,” Eggsy panted, as Merlin pistoned in and out of him. And fuck, how did he end up here?

They had saved the world. Valentine was defeated and they had saved the world...they had saved the fucking world. Eggsy couldn’t get over that fact, couldn't quite wrap his head around it. He had helped aide in ensuring millions of lives continued to live, and that was a fucking miracle. Eggsy Unwin from the estates, a nobody, helped other people to live, and maybe he wasn’t a nobody anymore.

That’s how he felt, at least, while Merlin whispered praise and reassurance into his ear. There was nothing comfortable about the couch he was sprawled on, on the plane, and the way his legs were bent up close to his chest - spread wide to make room for Merlin to nestle there. But Eggsy was hard pressed to focus on much more than the burn of Merlin’s dick in his arse, and the guv had a fine fucking dick.

Eggsy thought the man was right fit, and he wondered if he’d ever be able to have a quick shag again after this. He was perfect, just right, and it was fucking glorious. And in the back of his mind, Eggsy wondered if that was the adrenaline talking. That this only felt so good because he was still riding the high of what they’d done, and who was he to give a shit?

“Fuckin’ hell,” Eggsy drawled out, Merlin’s dick hitting his prostate with each thrust. His mind was fizzling out of reality, Eggsy loved to be fucked fast and hard. One of the only ways he could deal with this, and that was a whole other slew of problems he’d rather not get into.

Merlin had kept his hands off of Eggsy, per his request, and Eggsy had a firm hold over his neck. Eggsy grabbed a hold of his dick to stroke it in the same fast-paced tempo Merlin set, he brought himself off with a loud shout, come hot and wet all over his hand and abdomen. Merlin stiffened above him, head bobbed down to press against Eggsy’s and that was acceptable.

Neither of them moved for a moment, and it wasn’t until Merlin’s glasses pinged did they separate. Eggsy was quick to clean himself off, as he overheard Merlin assure Roxy they were on their way, before he began to dress. That the wave frequency that Valentine had sent out had fucked with the computer of the engine and had taken a bit to reset. Eggsy smiled at the excuse made for their escapades, his eyes falling on the opened champagne bottle, that was now nearly gone, and two sets of flutes that had been knocked over in their haste to get naked.

“Eggsy,” Merlin said, soft and gentle, from the entrance of the cockpit. His eyes warm, like the hazel was liquid in his iris.

Eggsy approached him, hand coming up to cup his cheek and run along the stubble that had grown there. He lifted up on his tiptoes to plant a chaste kiss to Merlin’s lips. They were so soft, almost like velvet, and he melted into them.

“Wanna date you proper, yeah?” Eggsy asked, once they were separated. Merlin didn’t have to say anything to answer, Eggsy could see it in the way he smiled at him.

\---

Except, as soon as they could land back at HQ, there was a call from a sister organization called the Statesman. Somewhere in America, Kentucky Eggsy remembered hearing. As soon as Percival and Tristan were cleared, they were dispatched to retrieve a one Harry Hart, and that bastard had survived a bullet to the head and could live to tell about it.

He had returned in one piece, and Eggsy quickly threw himself in assisting with his therapies. The bullet had gone clean through, missing any vital arteries that would kill him, but he didn’t come home with just a missing left eye.

Harry would need extensive therapy to regain strength and mobility to his right side - apparently, being shot on the left side affected the right side of your body. It had taken Eggsy a moment to wrap his head around that, but once he did it made perfect sense.

“So,” Eggsy said, as they made the first lap around the track, “you going to take up Merlin’s offer?”

“Arthur, Eggsy,” Harry corrected him, much as he always had to do - and a few other agents. Eggsy never could get used to calling Merlin Arthur, even if that’s what he was now.

“Okay. Are you going to take Arthur’s offer?” he tried again and there was that faint smile Harry gave when he was smug about being right. “It would be good for you,” he said, steadying Harry when his right leg dragged and he stumbled a bit.

“I’m fine.” it was a strained sound, and Harry had his brow set in his frustration.

Eggsy still stayed close, not moving from his right side, as they continued on. “He’s only asked you 3 months ago,” he reminded Harry lightly.

Harry stopped to glare at him, his eyepatch in place today. “And you have yet to answer him about that date he asked you on a week ago,” he countered, and Eggsy stiffened beside him.

“This ain’t about me, Harry,” he argued, “we are talking Kingsman here, not my personal life.” Harry laughed a little and made it another lap around the track, before they settled on the back steps of the estate.

“I have considered it, yes.” Harry, finally, answered. “It would be ignorant of me to assume I’d be able to go back into the field,” he sighed, it was a mournful sound as if he were grieving his years as an active agent - and maybe that is exactly what he was doing.

“You’d be brilliant,” Eggsy promised, always the optimistic sort.

He had been a breath of fresh air to the agency, always cheery and sunny around everyone. Never once complained about being sent on the boring stakeout missions, and was always a helping hand. Eggsy was often the first one to offer up to pair with an agent for a mission, and Harry figured the agency was better for him. That Chester had been wrong, Eggsy was a perfect fit for Kingsman.

“Thanks.” Harry cupped his shoulder, only to pull away quickly when Eggsy jumped.

His heart was in his throat, and Eggsy was just aware enough to realize he had pulled his gun out.

“Eggsy,” Harry said, hands coming up in surrender, showing him he meant no harm. “Are you alright?” he asked, his voice was low, soothing, gentle, as he reached for the gun and took it once Eggsy let go.

Eggsy’s hands shook a little, but he nodded his head, breathing getting under control as the minutes passed. “I’m okay,” he promised after a bit.

Harry eyed him skeptically but gathered it had been less than a year since Vday, and maybe the boy had a touch of PTSD. It wouldn’t shock him, at this point nothing would, and it was his first mission. Harry knew it was completely normal.

“You take that offer,” Eggsy demanded, he gathered his gun from Harry once he was calm and helped him back into the estate.

\---

Three months later Harry had been sworn in as the new King of the agency, and Merlin went back to being Merlin. Everything was working itself out and slowly Kingsman was returning to what it had been, but not 100%. Nothing would be the same with Harry Hart ruling the secret service, but no one seemed to mind.

Eggsy huffed, all of the air leaving his lungs, as Roxy slammed him against the mat. “Fuck,” he groaned.

“You are out of shape, Unwin,” she teased, offering a hand out to help him up. He grabbed it and yanked her down beside him. “Wanker.” Roxy punched his arm.

“Being laid up in a bed for two weeks fucks everything up,” Eggsy grumbled. All he did was get grazed by a bullet, but they still mandated he not do physical activity for a few weeks. “It was just a fucking flesh wound.” he was given a week to work on stamina, and regain strength.

Eggsy had first declined it, why would he need that? But as Roxy pinned him to the mat for the fourth time, Eggsy understood why they would suggest it.

“Christ,” Eggsy complained, stretching himself out once they had finished sparring. His abdomen burned with each reach of his toes, but he knew he needed to do it.

They got up and grabbed their bags to head to the locker room. Roxy stopped in front of him, at the door to the ladies locker room - something she had no idea they had, as it was all co-ed in training.

“You’ll get there,” she assured, hand reaching out to cup his cheek, only he flinched away. It was such a violent movement, you would have thought she electrocuted him.

His reaction hadn’t been as severe as with Harry, just a few short months ago, but still. He was on edge, just stood off enough that Roxy would have to step closer to reach him. Eggsy watched her hand, the one that had touched him, and knew he should give an explanation. He, at least, would owe her that much.

“I’m sorry. I -” he paused. What would he say? He didn’t like to be touched? When there had been clearly a lot of contact during their sparring, but it was different. He didn’t know quite how to explain it, and he partly didn’t want to. Eggsy huffed, irritated with himself and the situation. “I’m sorry, okay?” it sounded more exacerbated than he intended.

Roxy could see the struggle on his features, her first instinct would be to hug him in an attempt to comfort him, but she gathered that wasn’t welcome. So, she just nodded at him, and said, “let me know if you need anything, alright?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Rox.” he hoped she knew how sincere he was. Not just for letting it go, but respecting the involuntary need to have his own physical space.

\---

“Eggsy,” Merlin murmured. He had something to tell him, and he had tried to contact him via coms, but Eggsy had turned his off. It was sheer luck he was still at the estate, but here he was outside on the steps of the back of the estate.

Eggsy turned a bit, his back to Merlin as he sat to look at the sunset. “Sit with me,” Eggsy had said.

It was the anniversary of Vday, a day he was freed. Free of more than just the weight of the world on his shoulders, but Dean. It was the best thing that could have come out of almost losing half the world's population. The familiar scent of cologne, and an aroma that was just Merlin, filled his nose. Their thighs were so close, they were almost touching. Eggsy leaned in just a bit, and for a moment, just needed the contact.

“It’s been a year,” he whispered into the air.

“Aye.”

The silence grew, just as the sky grew into the night and Eggsy gently rested his head on Merlin’s shoulder. His heart rate increased just a bit, but he’d never felt safer than he had with Merlin. Eggsy was grateful he didn’t try to hold him or provide much more comfort, beside humming softly. His voice deep, and vibrated against Eggsy’s shoulder.

“I will go out with you,” Eggsy said suddenly. He straightened up, to meet a soft set of hazel eyes. “I know I’ve put off answering you, but I will. I want to,” he promised, a hand slowly came out to grasp Merlin’s knee.

Merlin smiled softly and sighed beside him. “Ye are needed on a mission,” he told Eggsy. “That is why I tried to find ye,” he informed him.

“Oh,” Eggsy answered, voice small. His chest tightened with disappointment at reading the situation wrong. “When am I needed?”

“Wheels up in 24 hours,” Merlin stated. He didn’t move, even as Eggsy murmured a soft thank you, and made his way to the door. “Eggsy,” he called, standing on the step he had sat on. Eggsy’s expression a bit broken, and forlorn when he turned to face Merlin. “Come back alive, aye? I would very much like to take ye on that date.” he smiled all the while.

“Alright, then. I’ll do my best,” Eggsy promised and departed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the lovely words on this story! I hope you all continue to enjoy!

It was warm where he was, and Eggsy walked around the room he was in. It was surprisingly familiar to the one at his mum’s flat, before his dad had died, before his life had gone to shit. The scent of apples and cinnamon surrounded him, a candle his mum used to burn - Eggsy recalled fondly. A happy child’s giggles filled the space, he recognized the train set around their small coffee table in the living area. He smiled, completely aware this had to be a dream.

His dad sat on the couch, a much younger version of Eggsy watching as the train went round and round. Eggsy heard the delightful trill of laughter that left his dad’s lips. His heart ached; it had been too long since he’s been able to hear it. He tried to call out to him, but no noise came out of his mouth, and what he wouldn’t give to be that small boy again, the same one who bounded into his father’s lap and cuddled close. Eggsy remembered this day. It had been his 5th birthday, the train set a gift from his parents, and unknown to him that it would be his last with his dad.

The scene shifted, wavered, and Eggsy no longer clutched onto his father, but alone on the couch and the flat was a mess. Eggsy wanted to comfort his younger self, as he watched him cower away from a screaming Dean. The urge to pull this little boy close and tell him he’d get out someday, that everything would be okay. He couldn't, Eggsy was incapable to do so and the knowledge pained him.

Eggsy stood there, helpless, as Dean did what he wanted; he screwed his eyes shut and there was a scream. It was a real scream, and it pierced his ears because it was awfully close.

Alarms went off as well, and Eggsy couldn’t completely pull himself out of the nightmare he was having. There was a gentle hand that shook his shoulder, and Eggsy instinctively shrugged away - it was such a jerky movement he almost fell out of the bed he resided in.

“Galahad,” a soft voice said. He recognized it as one of the doctor’s at Kingsman. Eggsy had became aware, that the alarms that had invaded his dream, must have been from the ones he was hooked into.

“Easy,” she soothed. It was Dr. Richards, he could tell by the Irish lilt that crept through a little. “You are safe,” she promised.

He kept his eyes closed, as his heart rate calmed down. The hand that had touched his shoulder was gone, but he could feel the whisper of her hands over his limbs. Eggsy knew she was making her assessment, and it didn’t send his pulse into a frenzy. Eggsy squinted into the light, it was bright and hurt his eyes a bit, but after a few times of opening and closing them he was able to keep them open.

“What happened?” Eggsy croaked, his mouth dry and stale from disuse.

Dr. Richards’ green eyes twinkled kindly at him. “You were on a mission, eggsy,” she began and when he was clearly about to panic, she quickly added, “it was successful. But in your love to blow things up, you took a piece of concrete to the head and suffered a concussion.” Her hand moved his hair away from a bandage, her manner as gentle as ever.

Eggsy tried to remember, but he came up blank as he struggled to piece together when that had happened. He recalled setting a few grenades off, and making a leap from a two story window - which shouldn’t have been a problem, he’d done it thousands of times before - to make his exit.

“You and Bors should really stay far from one another,” she simply joked, as she finished her assessment. “But you should be good soon enough. I would like to keep you one more night for observation,” Dr. Richards probed his head a little, her fingers smoothed along his scalp.

“Ouch,” he winced, as her fingers glided over a particularly sore spot. She smiled apologetically at him. “How long have I been out?” he wondered.

“12 hours,” she scanned over her tablet. “I would have liked to see you awake sooner, but you are awake now,” her smile widened, warmed a little.

Eggsy sat there, waiting for her to inquire about the dream he had, what had set off his machines, but she hadn’t. She just instructed him to get rest, stay awake as long as possible, and let her or the staff know if he needed anything.

It wasn’t but 20 minutes later, that he became antsy. Eggsy had never been good at keeping still, and being held up in an uncomfortable bed - even Kingsman couldn’t make a comfortable hospital bed - was even less desirable.

He flipped through the crap daytime telly stations when he heard a knock. Eggsy called for them to enter and smiled when he saw Roxy.

“Hey you,” she said, getting herself comfortable in the chair beside his bed. “How are you?” she went to reach for his hand, and remembered the last instance and instead straightened his sheet.

“Bored,” Eggsy grumbled in reply, “Richards wants me to another night.” He did nothing to keep the displeasure of the situation out of his voice.

“Well, it is for the best, Eggsy,” Roxy responded, she leaned back in the chair and kicked her shoes off to tuck her feet under herself.

Eggsy eyed her for a moment, it had become evident she wasn’t going anywhere for a bit. “No missions?”

“Not for another week, and I’m sick and tired of reading over the new policy and procedures. I’m a quick reader anyway. So I figured I’d keep your sorry arse some company.” She grabbed the remote from him and took over to surf the channels.

Eggsy was happy for the company.

\---

“Fuck,” Eggsy groaned, his head throbbed as he blindly reached for the call bell, but his fingers wandered over a smooth hand. He pulled away, eyes flew open to see Merlin with an apologetic smile on his lips.

“Sorry,” Merlin apologized, “didn’t mean to scare ye,” he added.

Eggsy’s eyes swept over him, he had no recollection of Merlin coming into the room. “You been here long?” he asked and caught a whiff of food. His stomach growled, as soon as his brain registered the familiar scent of chicken dumpling soup. It was one of his favorites from the kitchen.

“Just under an hour,” Merlin stated. “I wanted to see how ye were fairing. Mordred reported a nasty blow to yer head, and I had been by for a few hours while ye were out yesterday.”

There was something bashful about his tone as he made the confession, Eggsy found it endearing, coupled with the light dusting of pink over Merlin’s cheeks, to the tips of his ears, and up his scalp. The image now burned into Eggsy’s memory; his heart warmed.

A nurse was in shortly to administer medication for his headache; Merlin excused himself into the hallway as they checked Eggsy over and retrieved a fresh set of vitals.

As Eggsy was worked on, he took note of the tray on the table. It contained two of each item placed atop it; Eggsy wondered if Merlin had brought it in.

Eggsy gave his thanks to the nurse, with the promise he would call if he needed anything. Merlin strolled in, and without being asked started to set the food out in front of him.

“Did you do this?” he wondered, a small moan left his lips. Eggsy was fucking starving and the realization that he hadn’t eaten in a day made itself known.

“I figured when ye had gotten up, I’d join ye for lunch.” Merlin continued to uncover the bowls of soup, then moved to unwrap the crusted bread.

Eggsy’s throat tightened, a swell of emotion filled his chest and he was stunned speechless by Merlin’s actions. It had been a long time since someone, who hadn’t been paid to do so, has cared for him in such a manner.

“Eat,” Merlin instructed, he took his own bowl and tucked in.

He was comforted by the command, Merlin didn’t treat him like some invalid who was incapable of wiping his own arse. The first bite was heaven; Eggsy could have wept with how rich and creamy the broth was on his palate. He managed to finish it all, grabbing the bread to wipe up the remaining broth in the bowl and washed it all down with a hot cuppa.

“That was aces,” he said, his gratitude heavy in the air between them.

As everything settled warmly in his stomach, Eggsy was disturbed with a thought. “Wait.” Eggsy turned a bit to look at Merlin - who looked up from his tablet, curiosity evident on his features.“This isn’t the date, is it?” he squeaked, a blush heated his face in his embarrassment.

Merlin chuckled lightly in response, a hand came out to pat Eggsy’s knee reassuringly. He was too amused to notice how still Eggsy became beneath his touch. “No,” he promised. “I would like that date to be at a restaurant, somewhere neutral and outside of our place of employment.”

Eggsy nodded, grateful he’d be given the chance to woo Merlin. They sat in a comfortable silence; Eggsy stole a few peeks of Merlin from his peripheral, a smile spread over Merlin’s face. Perhaps the concussion had dimmed how smooth Eggsy could be.

“I didn’t die,” he said suddenly and Merlin’s grin grew. Eggsy shifted to marvel at how handsome he appeared, hazel eyes twinkled; Eggsy thought them to be the prettiest eyes he had seen.

Why hadn’t he noticed them before?

“Ye didn’t die,” Merlin agreed.

\---

True to his word, Merlin had arranged a day for them to go to a chip shop. It had been a favorite amongst the staff at Kingsman and one he recognized to be a place Eggsy and Roxy had frequented over the last year.

Merlin could admit he loved the place as well, it was an old favorite and one he and Harry had gone to in the past. He guided them to a corner booth by the front window, and it had a nice view of the street.

It was just dusk, and the sidewalk was littered with people who were doing some Friday - which meant the chip shop was crowded - shopping, or hitting the pubs nearby.

Eggsy gazed out the window, and Merlin allowed himself this moment to appreciate Eggsy’s appearance. He was dressed in a simple pair of dark denim, white vest with an orange adidas jacket - that had now been removed with how warm the place was. Where Merlin would usually wear an old, comfortable jumper; he traded it for well worn black jeans and heather grey long sleeved shirt - it was the type of cotton material that was soft against his skin. The thought that Eggsy would feel just as soft against him, krept unbidden into his mind.

“Figured this was a decent place,” he almost shouted over the roar of other conversation. Eggsy smiled, leaning just a bit across the table between them. “Pints?” he asked, and slid out of his seat once Eggsy told him what he liked.

As they waited or their food, Eggsy listened to Merlin’s obsession the Arsenal’s. Who was elated to find out Eggsy hadn’t a team, but enjoyed football enough he had agreed to a game or two with Merlin. Which, in turn, spawned a new conversation about the season passes Merlin had and how Eggsy would love his mate, Sean.

Eggsy’s laughter was light and sunny - a true breath of fresh air - much like his personality, and Merlin realized he could listen to it all night. They thanked the waitress for their food, and tucked in with Eggsy telling Merlin all about his baby sister. Merlin wondered if Eggsy noticed how he sparkled, or the way he lit up when speaking of Daisy.

With their food gone and conversation still rolling, both agreed on another pint and Merlin tried to put up a fight when Eggsy insisted on paying for it. Longing began to bloom in his chest, as he surveyed the way Eggsy’s jeans hugged his arse while he walked. It was a fine arse, much finer than in the suits Eggsy wore every day - that wasn’t to say he didn’t enjoy how Eggsy looked in them. It wasn’t until Eggsy turned, with beers in hand, did he stop his ogling; his cheeks flushed at being caught.

“Cheers.” Eggsy raised his to Merlin’s and the glass clanked as they touched.

The evening quickly shifted into the night, and both of them lost track of the time when they were interrupted by the owner, that the shop was closing.

“Care for a walk?” Merlin wondered, as they headed out into the cool night air.

Eggsy’s smile was warm, his hand reached out to tangle softly with Merlin’s in answer to Merlin’s inquiry.

London was beautiful at night, the street lamps illuminated the way, the moon was high and shined brightly above. They spoke of nothing and everything and it was well past 10 when he walked Eggsy up to his flat.

“I had a lovely time,” Eggsy spoke first, his eyes sparkled in the moonlight - Merlin thought the shade of them to be a stunning blue-green, close to chrysocolla.

There was clear affection that thicken between them; Merlin leaned in just a bit, gauging Eggsy’s reaction all the while. When Eggsy didn’t move, Merlin pressed closer, so close he could feel the ghost of Eggsy’s breath against his face. Hints of beer and vinegar filled his nose with each exhale that left Eggsy’s mouth. Tension built around them and when Merlin brought a hand out to cup Eggsy’s face gently, he was stopped short of meeting Eggsy’s skin.

Eggsy’s hand formed a cage around his wrist, his eyes wild, breath uneven, and not in a way that warranted anticipation of a kiss. Merlin gently yanked away, to soothe the bite from nails that had dug into his skin. He watched Eggsy’s face change, a million things played over his features, but one stuck out. Eggsy looked horrified, torn in a way that Merlin had not ever seen before.

Merlin began to question if he had been too forward, but the night had gone well and perhaps he had misunderstood Eggsy’s affections. His chest tightened with the loss off something, he hadn’t ever had in the first place.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin whispered, his voice strained and he did a piss poor job to mask the disappointment evident there. It looked like Eggsy wanted to say something, but before he could Merlin turned away and headed to the cab that was parked waiting for him.

“Wait,” Eggsy called.

The soft tap of Eggsy’s trainers, hitting the pavement, trailed closer.

Merlin had just reached the cab, when he turned and his space was crowded with Eggsy. They were just inches apart, his heart rate increased when Eggsy took his chin to tip his face down, forcing his eyes to meet Eggsy’s. He opened his mouth to say something, but was stunned speechless when Eggsy placed the softest kiss to his lips. Merlin melted into the gesture, hand brought out - without a thought - to pull Eggsy closer, only he intercepted the gesture to lace their fingers together.

Eggsy leaned away, grinning widely before he placed a chaste kiss to Merlin’s cheek, and darted back up the pathway to his flat.

Merlin touched his lips and thought, maybe, he hadn’t mistook their affection for one another.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long wait for a chapter! Kingsman Reverse Bang happened, and other idea's that pop into my head.  
> This is a heavier chapter, emotionally, and I hope you all enjoy it!  
> Thank you for all of the love, comments, kudos, and support! They are always welcome, and appreciated.  
> Much love <3 xoxo

“Hold on, Dais,” Eggsy said, as he intercepted the three-year-old from barreling into Merlin, and climbing him like a tree - not that it was such a far off description. “Can you say hi to Gabe?” Eggsy steered her body to face Merlin, who had now crouched down to her eye level.

“Hello,” he smiled kindly, and offered up the stuffed unicorn he had bought. “A birdie told me a little girl liked unicorns and rainbows,” Merlin pushed it lightly into her grasp, and Daisy snuggled it close.

“Thank you,” she answered softly and turned quickly into Eggsy’s arms.

Eggsy only flinched back fractionally, being used to Daisy’s unpredictable behaviors when it came to affection. He stood, lifting her small body with him and settled her onto his hip.

“Mum, this is Gabe,” he stepped aside to introduce the two. “Gabe, this is my mum, Michelle,” Eggsy watched his mum size the man up, who was almost twice her size, but Merlin smiled softly while offering his hand.

Michelle surprised them all by grabbing it and yanking Merlin into a fierce hug.

Eggsy had told her about Merlin, and never was able to keep the awe and adortion out of his voice regarding the man he was seeing.

They had been on a date each week for the last few months and Eggsy had finally asked to make it official; Merlin’s reaction was adorable. The man had been so taken aback, and the way his cheeks flushed with pleasure from being asked was all the more attractive.

“Very good to meet you,” Michelle said, and Eggsy wondered why her eyes watered just a bit, but she gave him a relieved smile and Eggsy figured she was happy for him.

“Likewise,” Merlin nodded and turned a questioning gaze on Eggsy, to which he mouthed later.

Daisy only had Merlin cornered in her play area for the last hour, and it didn’t seem that he minded a wit.

“Sparkles make you pretty,” Daisy said, swiping the glittered eye shadow over his eyelids. “You can look pretty for Eggsy,” she added.

Eggsy didn’t know his heart could hold more love, until Merlin swept her tiny body up and tickled her. He was so good with Daisy, and Eggsy wondered about having Daisy at his flat with Merlin there.

“He’s nice,” Michelle said by his shoulder. “You seem happy,” she noted softly, while making cuppas for the adults and a juice cup for Daisy. “Are you?” she wondered.

He watched them for a moment longer, Merlin now fixing the braid that had come loose, Daisy sat obediently with her new stuffie as he did.

“I am,” he answered and he had never felt so sure about something in his life - especially concerning his own joy in life.

\---

They gathered around the small living area shortly after dinner; Michelle had prepared a lovely roast with root vegetables and a lemon cake for desert. It was quiet, their chatter low as Daisy slowly nodded off - tired from all of the playing she had done with Merlin, as she had managed to rope him in an hour long game of hide and seek - propped between Eggsy and Merlin per her request.

Michelle came to lift her out of the wedge she had settled in, but Eggsy held a hand up and scooped her into his arms.

“I don’t get to do this often,” he reminded her.

Too many times his job was taking him away, and Eggsy was always grateful to return home. To be able to see his girls, to come back to Merlin - the last one was new, and he didn’t have a mind to care.

He got her stripped of her day clothes and quickly in the Peppa Pig nighty he had gotten her a month ago. It was easier than expected to get her tucked in, her little arms tightening around the unicorn Merlin had gifted her. Eggsy swept a few tendrils of her hair, that had fallen on her face, away and placed a delicate kiss to her forehead.

“Goodnight, flower,” he told her and enjoyed the way she smiled in her sleep. He killed the lights at the door, and the small moon night light illuminated the space, he whispered a sweet, “I love you,” before he went to Merlin and his mum.

As he rounded the corner, he could hear them murmuring softly to one another, he was shocked to have heard his dad’s name. Eggsy stood just around the door frame and his mum sounded like she was crying. He had not ever seen nor heard her cry of his father in such a long time, Eggsy almost wondered if she still missed him.

But she had now curled into an embrace Merlin offered, Eggsy could detect they were speaking of him and he wondered if his mum was explaining why Eggsy couldn’t tolerate certain things. It wouldn’t do him any good by guessing, so he cleared his throat and walked in.

Michelle straightened herself and dabbed away the remaining evidence that she had been crying. “She go down okay?” she asked, and gathered the mugs and few small plates that once held slices of cake.

“Yep,” Eggsy tried for a smile, but it didn’t appear to be convincing to his mum who cupped his cheek as she passed; he didn’t follow. He could hear her quiet sniffles behind him. “Is she alright?” he asked, despite knowing the answer himself.

There was a hollow look that cloaked Merlin’s sharp features, a haunting thing and Eggsy almost wanted to cast his eyes away it was so painful.

“Aye,” Merlin responded softly, and went to take Eggsy into his arms. He didn’t pull away when Eggsy flinched, just pause for a moment, and whispered, “shh.”

“Gabe,” Eggsy begged, it was a strangled sound; he squeezed his eyes shut. Merlin’s warmth radiated off of his hands, Eggsy braced himself for the contact, but Merlin never moved forward.

“I will not touch ye unless ye are okay with it,” his voice was soft, sweet and soothing. Much like you would use when talking to a frightened animal or child. “I will not ever hurt ye, I promise,” he swore, and Eggsy could hear nothing but sincerity bleed from each word.

“I know,” Eggsy said between clenched teeth.

Because he did know, and that hurt more than the possibility Merlin could ever hurt him. Shouldn’t he be more accepting of the touch Merlin was offering? If knowing all along it was out of love and kindness.

“I packed you some leftovers,” his mother broke the silence.

Eggsy relaxed a bit, his eyes opened to witness the pain so evident in the hazel eyes looking back at him. He wanted to say more; Eggsy pleaded with his eyes for the chance to explain.

“I understand,” Merlin said so quietly, Eggsy was sure his mum had missed it.

“Yeah,” Eggsy sighed, “thanks, mum.” He took the containers and gave her a kiss on the cheek, and with ease of practice carefully rejected the hug she was about to give him.

He would never get accustomed to the way her face fell each time he did, but he couldn’t handle it right now.

“I love you, mum,” he put more weight in the words, an apology on his tongue. She nodded her head; Eggsy was grateful he didn’t have to say more for her to understand.

“It was nice to meet you,” Merlin said, and gave her a hug.

Eggsy’s heart cracked when she held onto him a little tighter than he’d expect, and Eggsy wished he could bring himself to do the same, but the way Merlin held her spoke volumes. His boyfriend hugged her for the both of them, and Eggsy had to walk out into the cool October air - it felt good, soothed the burn in the back of his eyes.

“Ready?” Merlin asked, just a few inches from him.

Merlin’s body heat was there again, but never touched him; Eggsy was internally thankful and bothered by that all at once.

“I am,” he answered, his throat tightened around the lump formed there. “Can we go to my flat?” he asked; Eggsy needed home, a familiar space, and no matter how many times they had been to Merlin’s, he always felt just that much safer at his own home.

“Of course,” Merlin assured as he slid in next to Eggsy, in the back of the cab.

The drive was silent, and the air buzzed with the tension Eggsy was giving off. By the time they arrived, Eggsy had ended up closer to Merlin, their thighs just touching one another.

“Hey, buddy,” Eggsy greeted JB - once they entered the flat - who hopped all over his legs. He went to grab the lead knowing the pug would have to do his business, but Merlin beat him to it.

“I could use a walk,” he admitted while hooking the lead to JB’s collar. Merlin leaned in, and stopped, a thoughtful expression passed over his face. “May I kiss ye?” he asked, and Eggsy’s heart sank.

It was like someone had knocked all of the air out of his lungs, and he was left gasping for oxygen.

“You don’t have to ask that,” he insisted, and this time the tears came unbidden into his eyes. No amount of blinking would reel them in, and Eggsy was all of a sudden thankful Merlin would be taking JB.

He waited, but Merlin didn’t move. Eggsy let out a long, hard breath and brushed his lips with Merlin’s.

“I’ll be in my room,” he informed him and didn’t wait for an answer, as he headed up the stairs.

Eggsy stripped out of his jeans, vest and jacket, a shiver ran along his spine. The heat was on, but Eggsy felt a chill deep in his bones. He wandered into the bath and turned the water as hot as he could stand it and stood under the shower.

The steam filled the stall and seeped out from the top; he could barely see his hand in front of him it was so thick.

His heart pounded vigorously against his chest, the echo reverberated through his ear and Eggsy didn’t notice Merlin come into the room or that he had joined him.

“Bloody hell, Eggsy,” Merlin complained a bit. “My skin is going to melt off,” he added.

“I’m so cold, Gabe,” he whispered, another shiver wrecked his body. “I can’t get warm,” he admitted, and wondered what the fuck was wrong with him.

“Oh, baby,” Merlin whispered, he managed to coax Eggsy to face him. “Ye may be getting sick,” Merlin was able to place the back of his hand to Eggsy’s forehead, and that did shit for him because he was so warm from the water.

“Why can’t I let you love me?” Eggsy murmured. “I love you,” he confessed, “why can’t I just allow it?” His voice rose with hysteria, and Eggsy began to shake violently. “I’m broken,” he began to sob.

“Stop,” Merlin demanded quietly. “Ye are not broken, Eggsy,” he continued. “I want to touch ye, Christ,” he grew more frustrated with the lack of being able to place his hands on Eggsy, and Eggsy sobbed harder with his statement. “I love ye,” he blurted out, and reached out to caress Eggsy’s cheek.

“I’m a mess,” Eggsy cried, but didn’t pull away as Merlin’s fingers brushed bellow his cheekbone. “How could you love a mess?” he looked up, and remembered all of the awful things Dean had ever told him.

“Dean swore I’d never be loved. Even after I thought he loved me,” Eggsy was far away as he spoke, and didn’t realize Merlin had pulled him against his chest. “He told me he loved me,” he whispered, and was suddenly a seven year old boy again.

“And I even believed it after the first few times he hit me, was just a kid,” Eggsy hid his face in the crook of Merlin’s neck, “believed love was supposed to hurt like that,” his voice muffled, Merlin’s hands moved soothingly along his back, and he was slowly becoming acutely aware of how hot the water was.

“Love is supposed to feel like this,” Merlin whispered, and touched his lips so gently to Eggsy’s temple. “Let me love you,” he begged.

Merlin held him there, even as his own skin began to burn with the scorching water cascading over their bodies.

Eggsy sob’s slowed down, and soon reduced to little sniffles.

“I need to lay down,” Eggsy croaked, and carefully untangled himself from Merlin. He stumbled out of the stall, Merlin just behind him and crawled right under the sheets and duvet not bothering to dry or clothe himself.

Merlin situated next to him, but he never laid a hand on Eggsy, no matter what had happened in the shower, and watched as Eggsy’s face played an assortment of troubled expressions through the night.


	4. Chapter 4

“Easy, Lancelot,” Merlin instructed.

The agent was out in Budapest, shot and waiting for help; Merlin had guided her to a location where she could lock herself in. It was an abandoned building, and so far her target hadn’t found the trail of blood she had left behind.

“Fuck, you’d think the dress shirts would be bulletproof, too,” Roxy complained. “At least I got the flash drive,” she said proudly, and moaned a little when she held the small piece of plastic up for Merlin to see.

Merlin nodded in approval, not that she’d be able to see that. “Aye, but taking yer suit jacket off was nae smart, agent,” he pressed.

“I couldn’t let that small girl get shot, Merlin,” Roxy groaned. “She couldn’t have been older than five.”

“I know,” Merlin agreed softly, and he knew a Kingsman agent only risked their lives to save another and that is precisely what she had done.

He had sent out Galahad and Bors to retrieve her, and they were just another thirty minutes out. “Thirty minutes,” he informed her, and quickly swapped to see how the flight was faring.

“Galahad, report.”

Eggsy’s glasses shifted, and Merlin knew he was smiling. “Nothing to report, sir. Just short of 28 minutes away, anyone surrounding her?” he asked, and Merlin could appreciate them wanting to be prepared.

He switched over and Roxy was still alone, and as far as he could see unnoticed. “Nae, alone, but target may be expecting some gents in posh suits,” he warned them.

“Understood,” Eggsy answered, and the rest of the time was spent Merlin swapping between the two and offering occasional words of comfort to Lancelot.

Merlin kept a close eye on her vitals, all was stable, but her heart rate slowly declined and pulse quickened. He knew she was losing a lot of blood, but there was fuck all he could do about it until they arrived. He felt his blood run cold when he got a view of Roxy, she was paler than he’d ever seen her; Merlin’s heart was in his throat, as he witnessed Eggsy scoop her up and carry her out.

They arrived in record time, shaving off an hour of their trip, and Roxy was safe in medical at HQ. Merlin found Eggsy pacing outside the OR, Roxy had been in there for an hour and Merlin had the audio from the room.

“They are just closing her up, it nicked her liver, but she will be alright,” Merlin promised, and watched Eggsy’s face smooth out with the information.

He was surprised when Eggsy barreled at him and hugged him tightly; Merlin carefully returned the embrace and almost wept when Eggsy didn’t pull away but buried himself further into Merlin’s neck.

“Take me to bed,” Eggsy said suddenly, and Merlin leaned back to watch him carefully. “I can’t promise anything, you know?” Eggsy admitted, because they had gotten just far enough to be able to snuggle occasionally on the couch and Merlin had spent a few nights in Eggsy’s flat.

“I understand, my heart,” Merlin assured, and wiped away the hair that had fallen out of place. He properly took in Eggsy’s appearance, and he needed a bath at best.

His lad was dirty, covered in Roxy’s blood and possibly his own. “How about a bath first?” Merlin suggested and his heart squeezed when Eggsy smiled brightly at him, but his eyes were watery and sorrowful.

“Yeah, guess that would be smart,” Eggsy answered and tucked himself into Merlin’s side as they made their way through the estate.

\---

Eggsy sighed, his body sank into the hot water and watched as the once clear water turned a shade of pink. He didn’t say anything as Merlin wiped him down quickly, aware that he was doing an inspection of his body as he did, and then emptied the tub to fill it back up.

Merlin added some bath salts, before settling beside the tub and placing his hand into the water and swirling it a bit to mix the salts in.

He watched him for a moment, and Merlin didn’t meet his gaze right away, but Eggsy bumped his hand with his own. A soft set of hazel eyes met him, a little concern in them but curiosity above all else.

“You could join me,” Eggsy whispered, not sure his voice would allow him to speak louder. “I think I would like that,” he admitted, and his skin itched to touch Merlin, but he didn’t want anything unannounced, nothing he couldn’t control himself.

“Are ye sure?” Merlin asked, and hadn’t moved from his position. “I dinnae want to toss ye into an episode.”

That had been a problem once, Merlin had over read a situation and Eggsy had just meant for him to soap him down and rinse him off. Eggsy had felt bad by how he had reacted, but Merlin had been so close and he couldn’t breathe right for ten minutes, and it shouldn’t be this way. Eggsy shouldn’t have to be convincing the man he loved that it is okay to touch him, he wished he could be better than this.

But he wasn’t.

Eggsy’s heart quickened, and not with anxiety that Merlin would be so close, but the anxiety he had caused from this. The lump formed in his throat made it hard to speak, so all he did was nod his head and allowed his eyes to sweep over Merlin as he undressed.

This man was a work of art and Eggsy yearned to have him for a night, and not just to sleep beside him, but to spend a night of sexual ecstasy. Eggsy wanted to say these things, but he was trapped in his own body with the impending proximity they’d share - even if he had asked for it himself.

“I will not do anything ye don’t want me to do,” Merlin promised, as he stood stark naked before Eggsy. “I won’t hurt you,” he whispered, as he sank in behind Eggsy - where he had made room - and carefully extended his legs.

“May I place my hands on ye?” Merlin asked, and the request choked Eggsy.

He had been in relationships before, and most of the time his partner would become frustrated with him and not ask anymore. Eggsy had broken a blokes arm once, and he had claimed to love Eggsy, too. But Merlin wasn’t that bloke, and he even left a small space between them, he had yet to come into contact with him.

“You can hold me,” Eggsy answered quietly, and carefully took Merlin’s hands to show him where.

Eggsy wrapped himself up with Merlin, arms secured around his abdomen and Eggsy kept a firm hold on them. He trusted Merlin with his life, but this allowed him to keep some form of control over where Merlin touched. His body shivered as Merlin’s palms met his skin, and for a brief second he felt pain, saw Dean punching his gut, but he wasn’t there. He was with Merlin, a man who loved him and who he loved.

“I am so proud of ye,” Merlin praised; Eggsy hadn’t leaned back, but their fingers were tangled together.

“Ain’t much to be proud of,” Eggsy scoffed. “I want to jump out of my skin,” he admitted, but it wasn’t the same feeling he would get when caught off guard. He felt Merlin try to pull away, but he yanked their joined hands a little tighter, forcing his back to Merlin’s chest and let out a little whimper.

“Don’t move,” he told Merlin, as his boyfriend attempted to separate again. “Just, let me get used to it, yeah?” Eggsy’s voice was strangled, barely there.

It was hard to mistake the way Eggsy shook, and it had nothing to do with being cold.

“If this is too much,” Merlin started, but Eggsy shook his head violently.

The warmth of a tear trailed down his face. “I want this, in the worst fucking way,” Eggsy blurted out. “I want to be close to you,” he insisted, tone cloaked with need and just a touch of despair.

“We are close,” Merlin insisted, because Eggsy was on the brink of hysteria.

Eggsy knew they were, knew Merlin meant more than just physically. “Not close enough,” he argued, and carefully placed his body flush with Merlin’s.

Merlin was far warmer than Eggsy had expected, his back fit perfectly against Merlin’s chest and he allowed his head to bob to the side and rest in the crook of Merlin’s neck. He breathed in carefully, focusing on the feel of Merlin around him and not the flashes that threatened to break through his conscious and make themselves known.

Silence fell around them, cocooned them like a warm, soft blanket and Eggsy’s heart was slowing down, on it’s way back to normal. The gentlest lips met his forehead, and Eggsy pressed into the affection, allowing the love that floated between them to fill him.

“This is enough for me,” Merlin promised. “If this is all ye can handle, this is enough,” he swore.

And that was enough to allow Eggsy to relax completely.

They stayed tangled like that until the water was too cold, and resumed their position like that in bed.

\---

“So,” Roxy said, her breath coming out in quick huffs. “You and Merlin,” she teased a bit and bumped her shoulder lightheartedly with Eggsy’s.

She winced a little, and immediately apologized.

Eggsy kept up easily with the slower pace she set, they were just making their way around the perimeter of the estate and she wanted to try for a second lap. “It’s okay, Rox,” he assured her.

The contact hadn’t done more than cause him to put just a bit more space between them, some days were better than others and today the nightmares were at bay.

“And yeah, what about us?” he asked.

She had been cleared for exercise a week ago, and Eggsy was ensuring she had some company. Besides, he had missed his sparring partner.

“You guys are getting pretty serious,” she observed, her voice a little rougher than before and she had slowed down to a jog.

Eggsy was almost at a brisk walk, and he wondered if she was pushing it. He took hold of her elbow, and made her stop.

“Easy, remember what the doc said, yeah?” He smiled when she rolled her eyes at him, and carefully yanked her arm away to walk the rest of the way. “And I guess we are,” he allowed, not having done much talking to Roxy about his relationship.

He didn’t want to assume anything, but it was a rare thing that he and JB weren’t at Merlin’s flat the last few weeks.

“Eggsy,” Roxy sighed, but was smiling the whole time. “You guys come to work together, and you’ve actually been on time.” She laughed when he punched her shoulder. “Be nice, I’m still injured.”

“Not injured enough to be a pest,” Eggsy replied, and looked out at the trees. They were starting to turn lovely shades of oranges, yellows, and reds; he loved autumn.

They settled on the back steps of the estate and watched as a few ducks waddled across the grass towards the pond just half a field away.

“We are serious, but going slow,” Eggsy finally replied. “Which is about as slow as a snail, thanks to me,” he added with distaste.

Roxy caught his eye, and he saw her scoot closer to him. Their eyes locked the entire time and he wanted to tell her this wasn’t necessary, but remembered how he had reacted and could appreciate the care and thought Roxy put into his own demons.

Her eyes changed, became dangerous - much like when she was ready to murder someone - and cold. “Is he saying anything?” her voice dripped with venom, and Eggsy had to giggle from that.

“No,” Eggsy promised, chuckling with how serious her face had become. “I know he is deadlier than I am, but I’d be able to get a few good swings in if I thought he was pressuring me,” he assured her, and watched the anger melt off of her features.

“Then what’s the problem?” Because Roxy was one of the most observant of the agents, and Eggsy knew she could see him fighting with something. “You don’t have to tell me, if it’s uncomfortable for you, but know I’m here for you, Eggsy,” her smile was gentle and she reached a hand out to softly pat his knee reassuringly.

“I know,” he whispered, voice all of a sudden full of an emotion he hadn’t known was threatening to escape him. “He says I’m enough, you know?” Eggsy took in a shaky breath, and placed his hand over hers, keeping it on his knee, and gave it a squeeze.

“What if I can’t, you know,” he shifted his eyes suggestively. “What if we don’t get there? He told me that a cuddle was enough, but I am a functioning man, Rox. I know that ain’t enough,” he laughed a little, but it lacked all humor and sounded more like a shaky exhale.

“Then you can’t,” Roxy stated matter of factly. “You know there are other ways of intimacy, Eggsy,” she reminded him, quirking a brow up.

“I know that,” he huffed. “But I want to have sex. The desire is there, but when I get close enough…” he trailed off, and didn’t want to elaborate more.

Roxy nodded her head. “Merlin wouldn’t ever pressure you to do more than you could handle, and if he says it’s enough, that you are enough, you should take his word for it.”

Eggsy began to fiddle with the medal around his neck. “I know,” he agreed. “But, I see forever with him, and that’s scary as fuck alone. What if what we do now, isn’t enough for him forever?” he worried, and it had been something that had played over in his mind for a bit.

“Then he can fuck off and he wasn’t your forever,” she answered simply. “Look,” Roxy started, “the person who is your forever will accept you for you, and won’t push you into anything. Not everyone meets their forever, and I hope Merlin is yours, but Eggsy, if he can’t handle that? Than this isn’t for you, and you shouldn’t ever settle for anyone less than what you need.”

He kept his hand tangled with hers, and allowed what she said sink in. Eggsy didn’t believe Merlin would be tired of him, but the fear that what he was able to give wouldn’t be enough choked him. He didn’t want to lose Merlin, because this is the happiest he’d been in a long time.

“You are right,” Eggsy finally responded, and shocked them both by shifting a little closer and rested his head on her shoulder. “You are the best, and I’d be lost without you,” he whispered.

“Sap,” Roxy said softly, but placed her head on Eggsy’s.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long wait, I had done the reverse bang and finished a WIP, but I'm going to try to update this more frequently. 
> 
> Warning there is forced prostitution/guilt induced prostitution.

_“Just do as your told, and we won’t be havin’ any problems, yeah?” Dean whispered in his ear. His breath hot and smelled of stale cigarettes and the cheapest booze, the couple quid he must have spent, could find._

_Eggsy shrugged away from his hold, but the hand around his forearm tightened and yanked him until their noses were almost touching._

_“You wouldn’t want to be the reason your mum went without food, would you?”_

_And he always did this. Dean always used Eggsy’s pregnant mother as a pawn, but he knew this money wouldn’t be used for more than drugs and more alcohol. None of it going into the flat, and his mum would certainly need weed; at least she laid off the hard drugs once she found out she was pregnant._

_He tipped his face up, chin jutted out, and was ready for a fight._

_“We gonna do this then, Muggsy?” Dean’s grip was close to bone crushing, and Eggsy wanted to get away._

_He was tired and sore. Of all things his arse burned, because the last fucker didn’t like a prepped hole and fucked raw. The condom having chaffed him and Eggsy had hoped that would have been the last of his standing on Smith Street for the night._

_“I gots a bloke looking for a pretty face to fuck. Either you go out there and do it or get the fuck out of the flat tonight and don’t come back,” Dean threatened._

_Eggsy remembered what it had been like when he first came around; he was just 7. He was a lot kinder and there was this deception that Dean could have loved him, he had loved him like a father. Eggsy had clung to that, held on as tightly as he could to any form of affection that resembled a father figure. Even the first time he had been hit, Eggsy was quick to try to earn Dean’s acceptance. Not once wanting to let the man down, and he slowly learned through his teenage years that it was wasted time._

_He had put so much energy into something that was never there in the first place. It had all been a front._

_Despite wanting to tell him to fuck off, Eggsy agreed; he knew Dean wasn’t bluffing. It had happened once when he’d refused to do coke off of a blokes chest; he had ended up at Jamal’s for a week and out on the streets for another. His mum had sucked her way down Dean’s men to get Eggsy back in the flat, and he wasn’t going to allow that to happen again. It wasn’t like he had a lot of say with what Dean did with his mum, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to try._

_“I ain’t sucking the bloke raw,” Eggsy seethed and pulled his arm away._

_All of the blood rushed to his hand, he hadn’t realized it was turning purple, and shook the tingling feeling off before he walked out onto the street. There was a black Mercedes, and it wasn’t one he’d normally see in these parts, but the bloke had seemed pleased with how ‘pretty’ Eggsy looked._

_He saw his reflection in the tinted windows, as he turned his face while kissing down the man’s neck._

_Eggsy hated himself, hated how hollow he looked._

_The blokes hands tightened in Eggsy’s hair and pushed his head down; Eggsy almost choked around his dick and felt conscious slipping from lack of oxygen._

Eggsy woke with a start and gasping for breath as if he had been choked. His heart beating a mile a minute and fuck it felt as though it would implode in his chest. He looked around quickly recognizing his room, and nearly fell off of the mattress when a hand touched his thigh.

He stared at the person sleeping beside him, and it took him another full minute to process he had asked Merlin to spend the night. Eggsy couldn’t shake the disgust that coursed through his veins, his heart rate barely slowing.

And he knew the reason for the nightmare, a memory really.

They had made a piss poor attempt at intimacy, and Eggsy had locked himself in the loo after being reduced to tears to try and touch Merlin. It wasn’t fair, none of this was fair to Merlin. Eggsy gently removed the hand from his person, and held onto it for just a moment; Merlin smiled in his sleep.

Eggsy wondered how he had gotten lucky enough to land a man who was so patient and caring. The inquiry had his chest tightening, because Eggsy feared he wouldn’t be capable to give to the relationship the way Merlin was. He got up, careful not to wake Merlin, and dressed in trackies and an old vest before heading out into the cool air. It was raining and Eggsy didn’t care; his skin felt like it was on fire.

He ran with no place in mind, just allowed his feet to carry him through the streets of London and it was well past 6 in the morning when he returned. He had been out for 3 hours, and wasn’t surprised to find Merlin in his kitchen.

“Eggsy,” he said softly, as he took in Eggsy’s sodden appearance.

Eggsy held up a hand, because he wasn’t feeling like a lecture and grabbed the cup of coffee Merlin handed him.

“Thanks,” he murmured around the lip of the mug, and the first sip warmed him from the inside out. He was intimately aware of how chilled he had become, as a shiver wrecked his body.

Merlin’s hazel eyes filled with nothing but worry, as he set his own beverage down and approached Eggsy. It was slow and precise, like you were coming near an abused puppy.

But wasn’t that what Eggsy was?

“Come on,” Merlin coaxed gently, a hand stretched out. “Ye need to change before ye catch yer death.” Eggsy laughed, it was a breathy humorless sound. “I’ll get a bath ready for ye, aye?”

Eggsy looked at the hand that was still offered out in comfort, and he extended his own shaky one to place in Merlin’s. It was scorching in comparison to his own skin, almost painfully so.

“That’s my lad,” Merlin whispered, and never left Eggsy’s eyesight as he tentatively wrapped an arm around Eggsy’s waist.

He hadn’t realized how much he was shaking, until he leaned into Merlin for support because his legs were numb.

“I won’t get sick,” Eggsy murmured.

The water wasn’t as hot as he’d usually have it, but with how frigid his skin was it made sense. He looked to Merlin, who was seated beside the tub and smiling unconvincingly at him; Eggsy’s grin was slow to match.

“I don’t get sick,” he insisted, even as he tipped his head back and allowed Merlin to scrub his hair.

Merlin hummed thoughtfully beside him and continued to wash away the chill that invaded his bones.

\---

Eggsy had tried to pay attention, but it was really fucking hard to do when his ears were mostly plugged and he was sneezing every other word Harry spoke.

Harry paused a moment and gave Eggsy a piercing stare, before continuing on. There was going to be a Knight transferring from their Scotland branch, one who was good with seduction and handled a blade well.

They had been down a few agents, and with Harry as Arthur they lacked someone who specialized in honeypots.

“What’s his name?” Eggsy asked nasally and coughed.

Which earned him a few looks of disgust amongst the table, and he really couldn’t blame them; Eggsy was like a walking fucking germ.

Roxy tossed him her pocket square, since his was a boogery mess in his suit jacket pocket.

“Sebastian Graves,” Merlin informed the lot of them, and pulled up the gents profile.

Enough of them had equal murmurs of approval, and Eggsy could see why this man was so good at seduction. He had a very pretty face, and the most striking blue eyes Eggsy had ever seen. If he weren’t so arse over tit for Merlin, he could easily see himself falling for the bloke.

“When does he get transferred?” Percival was the one to ask.

“A week from Thursday,” Harry answered, and went about everyone having a joint mission with him to work out compatibility with the agent.

Eggsy didn’t pay much attention past that, and was nodding off when Harry dismissed everyone and it was all of a sudden quiet. Eggsy’s head met the table with a loud thwack, as he dozed completely off, and jerked back up; eyes blinking frantically.

“Shit,” he grumbled, and rubbed his forehead. Eggsy’s eyes swept over the table and realized he was the only one left, save for Harry who was now wearing his ‘you better have a good excuse for this’ face.

“I can explain,” Eggsy started, and had to raise a hand as he fell into a sneezing fit.

Harry waited until he had filled another pocket square, handed him his own, and then addressed Eggsy.

“Do I dare ask what you are doing here?” Eggsy didn’t know how to answer that. “You could have gotten all of us sick, and still can. I have advised everyone to head to medical and take an extra vitamin boost pack because you are a plague waiting to happen,” his voice heavy with disapproval, and Eggsy hadn’t felt this shitty since Harry tore him a new arse when he didn’t shoot JB.

Eggsy slumped a bit in his seat and looked anywhere but Harry, who had yet to take his eye off of him.

“I want you to go home and you are not to return until this illness is cleared up,” Harry ordered him, and Eggsy gave a pitiful sniffle.

“Yes, sir,” he answered, and managed to quietly clear his throat. It was all gravely and sore from coughing and the post nasal drip he had tried so hard to contain. “I’ll keep you updated, Arthur,” Eggsy added, as he gathered himself and the snotty pocket squares he had acquired over the meeting.

He felt Harry’s gaze on him as he departed and didn’t miss the soft echo of his oxfords against the floor as he trailed behind him. Eggsy stiffened when Harry’s hand was placed at the small of his back, but relaxed knowing he meant no harm.

“Do you have medication at home?” he inquired as they traveled down to the shop front room. “I could have someone bring you some, and a container of chicken soup from the kitchen.”

The offer warmed his heart, and Eggsy smiled up at him. “You’d do that?” he wondered, voice small.

“While you were dirtying your third pocket square, I sent a message off to the kitchen to have the cook make a pot,” Harry’s smile was little, but kind and sincere.

“You are the best,” Eggsy managed to wheeze, and thought better of hugging him. Not at all because he’d be afraid to touch Harry, but because he didn’t want to possibly infect the man further.

Harry walked him out to the cab waiting for him, and Eggsy didn’t have to ask if Harry had set it up.

“I’ll send some vitamins as well. You should get plenty of rest and fluids, okay?”

Eggsy wished he could have had a man like Harry in his stepdads place. Life might have been a bit better for him.

“Thanks,” Eggsy said with a sigh, his head coming to rest on the cool leather of the headrest; he all of a sudden felt hot.

\---

Merlin eased into the flat and made sure to be as quiet as possible while he removed his shoes and headed to the kitchen. He didn’t hear much, just the soft murmur from the front room and he figured Eggsy was lounging on the sofa. Most likely listening to the food channel and getting an assorted dinner ideas he’d never cook. The lad was no good at anything more intricate than spaghetti.

“Hey, babe!” Merlin nearly dropped the pot of soup and bag of drugs he had been carrying.

Eggsy wobbled into the hallway and smiled dopely up at him; his blue-green eyes glossy and unfocused. It was the kind of look he remembered seeing on agents who were high on meds, or suffering from a high fever. Eggsy’s cheeks were flushed a bright red, and nose a bit runny along with his eyes.

“Maybe ye should sit,” Merlin offered as he set the pot on the hall table, and gently cupped Eggsy’s elbow to lead him onto the sofa. “Ye need to rest,” he worried and tucked blankets around Eggsy, who only burrowed in them with a content sigh.

“Will you lay with me?” Eggsy wondered, when Merlin turned his back to take care of the supplies he had brought with him. “Been lonely,” his lower lip wobbled a little, and Merlin pondered what Eggsy could have taken.

He bent down to place a gentle kiss to Eggsy’s forehead, and sure enough the skin was scalding against his lips.

“I will, but first I need to put away the things I brought and I will be back,” he promised, which earned him a wide, innocent grin from Eggsy.

One thing Merlin had to admit, Eggsy was adorable while sick.

He had managed to get half a bowl of soup into Eggsy, proper cold medication and fever reducers and had even succeeded to coax him into a bath. Only with the promise of bubbles and the pretty smelling salts he liked so much; Eggsy’s words exactly.

Merlin was now situating them on the couch, Eggsy curled comfortably against his chest. He didn’t want to lay any other way, and Merlin was shocked when Eggsy allowed him to keep a firm hold of him; he feared Eggsy would roll backwards and off of the sofa.

Eggsy was in and out of a feverish sleep, and occasionally murmured words of thanks to Merlin for taking care of him. He woke for a third time, and in the same hazy fever state he had been in most of the day.

Merlin had made sure to dose him every four hours per the instructions, but Eggsy continued to float in and out of lucidity. And it appeared Eggsy was not on the alert side of things, as Merlin fully registered a set of hands over his groin.

“Eggsy,” Merlin said carefully, and took his arms to bring them above the covers.

There was a tiny pout forming on his lips, his brows pulling together to form a troubled expression.

“But I want,” Eggsy whined, his nose plugged from all the snot built up. He managed to snake his hands back down and had Merlin half hard.

“Eggsy,” Merlin repeated, it was more of a frustrated sigh. “My heart,” he whispered, regret cloaking his tone, “not right now.” He directed Eggsy’s hands, for a second time, back above the covers and this time around he kissed the cute V between Eggsy’s brows.

“Don’t you want me?” Eggsy asked.

It was a watery question and Merlin could see the moisture begin to gather quickly in the glossy eyes.

“Oh, my heart,” he soothed, and kissed Eggsy tenderly. His arms holding Eggsy a little closer, and his boyfriend didn’t flinch away from the added proximity. “I want ye very much,” he reassured Eggsy, even as he sniffled a bit. A mix between a plugged nose and the few tears that had spilled over.

Eggsy didn’t seem to understand why this wasn’t right, why Merlin couldn’t allow Eggsy to perform such sexual activities they had not done yet. He was high on cold medicine, and not in a lucid headspace to make the proper decisions. So, Merlin made it for him, no matter how much he wanted it, no matter how badly his dick was aching now.

“Then,” Eggsy hiccuped, “why won’t you let me touch you? Did I disappoint you, too?” And before Merlin could answer that, Eggsy said, “I did with Harry. Just like the dream I had. I disappoint everyone…” he started to trail off, his eyelids becoming heavy as exhaustion from the fever took over.

Merlin placed his lips firmly to Eggsy’s, even as he began to snore softly into the affection.

“Ye could never disappoint me, I love ye,” he whispered, and couldn’t sleep for another hour.

What Eggsy had said about disappointment played in his head. Merlin hoped Eggsy wouldn’t remember any of this the next day; his boyfriend was troubled enough.

Merlin was thankful that Eggsy hadn’t remembered their exchange the next morning.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live!!!! I promise I haven't forgotten about this story! I want to thank you all for being so patient for updates, you have no idea how much I appreciate that.  
> Much love <3 xoxo

“Live round!” Came Roxy’s voice beside him, followed by a series of gunshots aimed at the paper target in the gun range.

Eggsy continued to empty his clip, load another one, and fired off until he needed another one. He pushed the button for a fresh target. He repeated this, until he had gone through his seventh clip. It had gone quiet beside him, Roxy no longer using her target, and she had only gone through 2 rounds. It was hard to ignore the concern that rippled around her, shifted the air that was cool and calm prior.

“What?” he asked cautiously.

She didn’t say anything, just gave him this look, which he ignored. She then dropped her pistol off with his, and followed him out to the lockers where they both changed into workout gear. Eggsy didn’t mind, and decided fuck it, if she was going to follow him, he’d put her to use. They faced each other on a mat, poised and ready to spar. They circled one another, sized each other up. It was far from new territory, but always helped him get into the mindset to be this physical with someone, even in this position.

Roxy made the first move, Eggsy easily dodged and they did this dance until Eggsy could kick out her legs, and almost had her on the floor before she hopped back onto her feet and had Eggsy in a choke hold on the mat. He tapped her arm, for her to release, she didn’t get back into position once he stood, and held his stance.

“Well, come on,” he encouraged, his chin cocked up, breath quick. Eggsy just wanted to get some energy off. The gun range hadn’t helped, perhaps knocking Rox about, or getting knocked about, would.

“What’s the matter?” she asked softly, took a tentative step forward, he moved back. “I won’t try to coddle you or anything,” Roxy promised, his shoulders relaxed a bit.

Eggsy nodded and walked off to the lockers to have a shower. He didn’t say anything when Roxy stripped and did the same, back in their recruit days this was a regular occurrence, and long since the days Eggsy was shy about it. She had the option to shower in her own quarters, but Roxy had enough fuck you spite to shower with the rest, and dared all the agents to say anything. She was an agent through and through, and so everyone had respected her for that, Eggsy’s only grew.

“Are you going to tell me?” she inquired, as Eggsy stood under the hot spray longer than necessary.

His muscles ached from how sick he was, not that it was serious, just a cold, but still getting over that icky feeling and the hot water felt good. Eggsy turned it off, didn’t feel like answering her right away, or didn’t know how. He allowed the silence to cloak him, wrap him up like a security blanket, as he worked to figure out what to say, or how to say it, all the while getting dressed. He wasn’t needed at the estate, or any missions, so he slipped into old trackies, a grey vest and black pullover hoodie. He just wanted comfort.

Roxy was patient, and he was grateful for that, as they headed out and onto the bullet train. He wasn’t surprised when she left Kingsman with him, rode into the City and out to his flat. Eggsy would have asked if she had a reason to stay, but she wouldn’t have come along if she had work to do, or for all he knew she messaged Arthur, maybe even Merlin.

Eggsy let JB out to the garden, watched him romp around in the grass, find a spot to take a piss and shit by his favorite rock, and back in. He smiled, Roxy at his stove getting the kettle ready, two mugs prepared.

“Want something to eat?” Eggsy asked, as he got the makings for peanut butter and jelly, a soft laugh left her with a nod in response.

They’d sneak out of the dorms, head to the kitchen, and have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while they’d talk about the perfect duo they’d make in the field. He cut them in fours, plated on the paper plates he had and they sat comfortably, side by side, on his sofa, their thighs touched. It wasn’t unwelcome, and helped Eggsy feel grounded for the moment.

“I made a move on Merlin,” he muttered around a bite of sandwich. Roxy had gone still beside him. “Was sick,” he explained. “High on cold meds, but I remember.” He had only let Merlin think he had forgotten, and it wasn’t on purpose, because Merlin hadn’t brought it up and Eggsy was too embarrassed to say anything.

“Did he make you feel like shit? I’ll skin him myself,” she said, and Eggsy wished she were joking, but she was serious as a heart attack. Eggsy laughed a little nervously, Roxy turned to face him. “I’m being serious, Eggsy.” Her tone was soft, soothing.

He nodded his head, appreciated her concern. “I know, but nah that’s not...I mean, I…” he didn’t know how to explain it without having her hunt Merlin down and murdering him.

A loud exhale left his lips. “He thought I was just talking because I was high, and Rox, I respect that so much. No bloke has ever wanted me to be so coherent, have full 100% consent, and I love him more for that.” Eggsy felt his cheeks heat.

“He were worried because I was so doped up, afraid I wasn’t serious, but I was. I mean...maybe had more courage because of the meds? But I ache for him, Rox. Never wanked so fucking much in my life.”

It felt as though a weight lifted off of his shoulders, lightened him by a stone. He had carried it for days, and didn’t know how to say it to Merlin.

“Have you told him this?” Roxy wondered. “Is that why you’re so sullen?” He smiled at her, grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze.

“I love you, you know that right?” Her answering smile was gorgeous. “But I haven’t,” he admitted, a little shameful. “I know I should, but he’s so worried about me, and for good reason. I’m not sure how I would be during sex. The cold medicine had given me courage, and I know getting pissed wouldn’t go over well with him. He had said he wanted me coherent for it, totally able to make my own decisions.”

Their hands stayed connected, Roxy squeezed back. “And what’s wrong with that, Eggsy?” she wondered quietly. “He respects you, cares about you,” Roxy reminded him.

Eggsy felt the tears well in his eyes, all of his feelings crashing around him. “Because I ain’t deserving of that. The way he is? It’s almost worship, and I ain’t nothing better than a used whore.”

Roxy placed a finger under his chin, coaxed him to meet her gaze. “You are none of those things, Eggsy, and don’t let what Dean forced you into make you think otherwise.” Eggsy broke at that, tears freely fallen, and he was soon wrapped up in Roxy’s arms. He didn’t flinch away, just needed it right now.

\---

“You seem distracted,” Harry said lightly. Merlin popped his eyes up. “I asked you three times how the transfer was coming with Sebastian,” he stated calmly, hands folded carefully in front of him.

Merlin shook his head. “Sorry,” he mumbled. He had been focused on how distant Eggsy had been, more so than normal. He took a deep breath, and pulled up the email he had from their Scotland branch.

“It is going well, he is currently finishing up a mission, and they are expecting him to travel to us as scheduled.” Sebastian was due to head there in another four days, which would do them good. A few honeypots were beginning to pop up, and there were only so many more he could send Tristan on.

“Which the sooner we can get him out into the field, the better,” he added, and closed out the tab on his tablet. Merlin met Harry’s gaze, raised a careful brow when Harry leaned forward some.

“What’s going on, Gabe?” he asked softly, used his Christian name. “There is something up, you never lose track of a conversation,” he added, as he sat back, a long leg crossed over the other.

Merlin exhaled loudly, scraped his hands over his face tiredly. “It’s Eggsy,” he replied, voice muffled into his hands. “He’s been off, more so than usual.”

Harry hummed thoughtfully beside him. “He seemed alright at work.” Merlin nodded his head.

“Aye, I know.”

“Is it personal matters?” Harry asked, curious, concerned. “Do you need a few days off to sort yourself? I am happy to grant them.” Merlin felt his shoulders relax, Harry’s generosity was appreciated.

“Ye sure?” He finally met his eyes, nothing but kindness, and an affection in them.

“Go, Gabe. Being distracted does you no favors here,” he reminded him. Merlin smiled as he stood, gave Harry’s shoulder a squeeze and left.

He texted Eggsy if company was welcome, with the decision to bring pizza and beer when he gave the okay. Merlin even grabbed a box of doggy biscuits for JB on his way, because he liked to spoil him, no matter how much Eggsy griped about making him pudgy.

“Eggsy,” he called, shut the door with his foot and shucked off his brogues, jacket, and headed into the living area; he smiled. Eggsy was curled in the corner, the old afghan he had brought over wrapped around him, as he read a book Merlin had recommended. “Hello,” he greeted soft, a wide grin spread over his face when Eggsy smiled up at him.

“You are the best,” Eggsy claimed, and worked out of the cocoon he had built to fetch plates, while Merlin opened the box and a beer each.

“I don’t know how ye like that,” he muttered, as he grabbed a slice of supreme, and avoided the bacon pineapple.

Eggsy hummed happily beside him as they ate, alternating between sips of beer, and three slices later they slumped against the couch, touched shoulder to shoulder. Eggsy lobbed his head against Merlin, and Merlin took his free hand to tangle their fingers together. This was getting easier, but certain things still sent Eggsy shifting away from him.

“Movie and a cuddle?” Merlin wondered, his eyes fell on the mostly empty pizza box, napkins, and empty beer bottles. “I’ll take care of the mess and ye pick one?” he offered. Merlin groaned to sit forward, he was so full, and gathered their garbage.

“Yeah, sure,” Eggsy agreed easily, as he hefted himself up to wander towards his Blu-ray collection.

Merlin sighed, as he saw the beginning of the movie. “Pacific Rim, again? Ye are going to be able to recite that movie,” he claimed, and lay against the back of the couch for Eggsy to curl in front of him.

He kept his arms to himself, waited, always letting Eggsy initiate contact, until Eggsy reached back and pulled an arm to wrap around his front with their fingers locked.

They were half way through the movie when Eggsy shifted back, further than he had before, except for the time he was ill and inebriated by cold medication, and shimmied. Merlin could have sworn Eggsy rotated his arse against his dick, and on instinct it began to thicken. He went still, because he wasn’t sure if Eggsy were asleep, but his breathing wasn’t deep enough for that and was actually quickening.

“Eggsy,” he murmured, voice hoarse, his throat closing with arousal. “Are ye sleeping?” Merlin whispered, prayed, because he knew Eggsy wasn’t ready for intimacy yet.

“No,” Eggsy answered softly. “M’awake,” he mumbled.

Merlin fought every urge to groan, the more Eggsy worked over his swelling dick. “Love,” he choked out.

Eggsy turned in his hold to face him, a little guarded, nervous, but determination shined in his iris.

“I know what happened when I was sick, Gabe, meant what I said, want you.” The confession was heavy around them, like they held the world's fate in each word. “Was afraid you didn’t want me,” he admitted, eyes cast down.

“I want ye, very much,” he promised, and groaned a little when Eggsy pressed further into him.

Merlin worked hard to control his breath, keep it even and steady, even though he was sure Eggsy felt his arousal against his body.

“Are ye sure?” he whispered, worried. “I will wait, however long you need me to.” Eggsy was worth everything. Merlin would never have sex again if that’s what was right for them, because Eggsy was his world, and he’d do nothing to shatter his heart.

Eggsy lifted a shaky hand, their eyes locked as he cupped Merlin’s cheek - he closed his eyes and leaned in - and allowed his palm to smooth down his face, along his neck, down his chest until fingers hooked under his waistband and slid in to cup his hard cock through the fabric of his pants.

“Can’t promise sex, can’t even promise you can touch me,” he breathed. Eggsy’s breath hot, slow, ghosted over Merlin’s mouth; it was fucking intoxicating. “But I want this,” he promised, not an ounce of regret in his voice as he began to stroke Merlin until he came in his pants like a schoolboy.

It would have been too easy to grab Eggsy, but Merlin forced himself to remember, to open his eyes and meet the satisfied pair staring back at him. Eggsy smiled triumphantly at him.

“You are such a good lad,” he praised, watched that do things to Eggsy. “My perfect Eggsy, all brave, and patient, so good.” Merlin showed his hand to Eggsy, slowly brought it closer to his face, and Eggsy only flinched a bit when palm met skin.

“You are beautiful, so strong,” he continued the verbal praise and watched the tension melt off of Eggsy’s face, smoothed the lines that had troubled him, witnessed Eggsy become pliable under the security of his words.

“I love ye, so much. Look how good you are, perfect, come so far, and so gorgeous.” Soon he was able to pull Eggsy closer, their lips touched softly, slowly. There was no heat in it, all tender and full of unspoken love.

Merlin turned just a little, shifted so that Eggsy straddled him. “It’s all you, you get to be in control. Whatever ye want me to do, my heart, I will give you.” The promise heavy, held so much more than physical intimacy, and Merlin saw how that broke all of Eggsy’s barriers as he started to move, rut against his already hardened dick, and Merlin wondered if he could come again.

It turns out he could, and Eggsy didn’t ask to be touched, just rocked himself over Merlin until both spilled over, their clothes wet, warm with their spend.

“You don’t know how amazing ye look like this,” Merlin managed, his breath gone from two orgasms in such a short time. “Thank you, my beautiful lad.” He grinned into the rough kiss Eggsy gave him, all claiming, a firm bite to his lower lip caused him to gasp, allowed his mouth to open to which Eggsy took advantage of and slipped his tongue through, deepened the affection.

“I love you,” Eggsy whispered between them, and planted another kiss, it were softer this time. “Spend the night with me?” The request was quiet, almost shy.

But Merlin’s answer would always be yes, and the next morning Merlin enjoyed the wank Eggsy gave him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooooooly shit! I live! I swear I live! So, so, so incredibly sorry I haven't updated this in 3 freaking months! Please accept this offering as an apology!
> 
> Thank you all SO much for continuing to subscribe, leave kudos, and bookmarks on the story with it's slow updates. It means SO much to me, and I love you all <3.

Eggsy knew, admittedly, that Merlin would feel guilty accepting all the affection he’d provided over the last few weeks. He was on edge though, and it might have had to do with the new agent; sexual favors were a good distraction for Eggsy.

Sebastian seemed to work his way into everyone's good graces the minute he stepped off the plane. Not Eggsy, though not for lack of trying, and he’d kept his distance the entire time. They were beginning to work through pairing Sebastian with the agents, Eggsy was the last on the list. He appreciated the consideration, even if it stung just a bit that Harry would treat him any differently.

Up until this point he’d been expected to handle each obstacle, go with the punches, just as any other knight at the table. This time was different, and he liked the chance to get to know Sebastian on his own terms. It wasn’t like he had a lot of time to do that, what with the various assignments they’d stuck Sebastian on, and how busy Eggsy had become preparing for a mission he’d depart for in a month's time.

A gala being held in Italy, one of the Italian mobster’s daughters having a sort of sweet 16, and Eggsy was to attend with Percival with the hope to distract the wife while Percival went in to corner the husband to retrieve information. Seduction was on the table and so Eggsy was immediately averted to distraction instead of recon. Where he’d usually be good at that sort of thing, turned out Mr. Celosia had an attraction to blokes as well as women. It had been a two man anyway, but Eggsy hadn’t been first on the roster to take the mission, just so happened he was available and would do good sweet talking to the middle aged woman.

Ultimately the whole situation between Eggsy needed to perform a small, but necessary, surveillance assignment with Sebastian and the one with Percy; Eggsy tried to deflect his anxiety elsewhere. He found it completely therapeutic bringing his boyfriend pleasure, despite the worry etched on Merlin’s features.

“Babe.” Eggsy lifted off of Merlin’s deflating dick, pulled his boyfriend from whatever war was going on in his head. “Am I doing it wrong?” He worried. It ain’t his first time sucking a bloke off, and surely not the first time he’d given Merlin one, but his hazel eyes were far away.

Merlin reached a hand out, eyes beckoned a request that was appreciated more than Eggsy could describe; Eggsy nodded, and Merlin’s fingertips traced the shape of his cheekbone.

“You are perfect.” His voice bled with an undying conviction. Eggsy’s brows pulled in a frown as he stared up at the man who was so patient, so kind, so loving with him, but he soon started to worry this wasn’t enough; like he always did.

As if Merlin would toss him to the side, dump him for a shag that they still hadn’t had. And it weren’t for lack of trying, they had tried, but Eggsy couldn’t even bear the fingers in his arse, let alone a fully hard cock that somehow could transport him back to a darker time; Eggsy shuddered just thinking about it. Merlin’s fingers formed more securely around his face, coaxed his eyes up beneath thick, honey-brown lashes that glistened just a bit with moisture that hadn’t fallen yet.

“It’s not enough,” Eggsy whispered, dejected. He saw the pain written all over Merlin’s sharp, angular features, and a fight to pull Eggsy close was spelled all over his skin. It was in the way lines deepened with concern, a frown marred the perfect lips that spoke uplifting affirmation, words that brought Eggsy more confidence than any other bloody book about loving oneself could.

Merlin held his chin more firmly, not enough to cause Eggsy to flee but enough to pull his attention from the mental tirade going on in his mind. Because Merlin knew without Eggsy having to voice it, knew what Eggsy must have been thinking; or the blame he most certainly put on himself. Because Eggsy was a self destructive creature, no matter how Merlin tried to work the bad habits out of him, tried to work self preservation into him, and sometimes it worked, but other times Eggsy felt more guilty than he had to begin with.

What sort of life was this for Merlin? Eggsy knew what Rox said to be true. Whoever loved Eggsy, truly loved him, would accept him for who he was; flaws and all. And Merlin never made him feel differently. Yet here he was, ready to blame himself for Merlin going limp before him.

“No, Eggsy. It’s always enough. You will always be enough.” Each word carried an invisible weight. “Listen to me.” Merlin sat up, Eggsy tried to stay still but all instinct screamed to flinch away; he did, no matter the careful, gentle air Merlin seemed to expel. “I love you. I’ve said it, you are enough.” Somehow Merlin didn’t react, like he had grown accustomed to Eggsy shifting away like a scared puppy. “It’s okay. Shh.” He cautioned soft, tender noises, all the things you’d try with a scared puppy, because that’s what Eggsy was.

“No, Gabe, you were distracted. Like I wasn’t doing it right.” Eggsy managed to slip down to the end of the bed, arms wrapped around the bedpost like it’d save him. “Why? Is it ‘cause I can’t do it?”

Without warning Eggsy spiraled into a panic attack, one he hadn’t had in some time, but he’d been steadily worrying the wanks, blow jobs, and cuddles were not enough. And if Merlin’s wayward concentration was any indication, it was clear as fuck now as Merlin sat, dick completely limp like Eggsy was undesirable.

He started to shake violently, quick, unexpected shivers that coursed through his spine, wrecked his body just as bad as when he’d gone out running in the rain. All of a sudden he couldn’t regulate his temperature, like a feeble newborn baby who needed to be swaddled, and cuddled for warmth because they couldn’t regulate on their own. Eggsy saw Merlin come forward, he shot a hand out to stop him.

“No.” Eggsy cautioned past a teeth chattering whisper. “I can’t have you close.” He screwed his eyes shut, at least he felt safe enough knowing Merlin would respect his wishes. “I’m sorry,” Eggsy apologized after a few moments. There had been little noise, just the frantic, ragged huffs of breath that left Eggsy mixed with Merlin’s precise, slow breathing that Eggsy subconsciously mimicked after a while.

“It’s okay.” The same bloody fucking answer somehow evoked a new emotion; anger. Eggsy couldn’t figure out why Merlin’s understanding enraged him, but as his eyes snapped open to meet the gentle, warm hazel ones staring back; he found himself furious at the man. “It is okay,” Merlin repeated. “You don’t have to be sorry for not being able to handle it. Aye, I was a wee bit distracted. You’ve been showering me in a lot of physical intimacy, and not allowing me to return it. I feel guilty, my heart.” The confession did little to dispel his resentment.

It was then, right there; Eggsy realized he resented how understanding Merlin was being. And what a fucking emotion to have toward a man who did nothing but lay down all their wants, just discarded every single fucking need, or what have you, to the side and tended to Eggsy. Maybe that wasn’t the right reaction to have, and so disgust slowly crept into his heart, blood pumped his unworthy thoughts through his body, filled him with all the self hate he’d tried so hard to get rid of.

All of the work Merlin had put into him, every single night spent awake where all he could do was cry but Merlin was there to wipe his tears, and somehow they melted away; like all he’d done had no impact on his psyche. Eggsy managed to meet his gaze, hazel eyes filled with worry, an unrelenting support that almost made him sick; he was undeserving of such loyalty and love.

“You need to go.” Is what Eggsy muttered, past the lump in his throat and the tears that seemed to flow without his say so. “Please.” Eggsy knew Merlin would, without question, and that pained him more than he could describe.

“Alright. If that’s what ye need.” Merlin slid off of the bed, dressed in his tossed clothing, and with a final glance left Eggsy’s room. When the door clicked shut, Eggsy sagged into the bedpost, sank until silky soft linens met his skin, and wept.

\---

“Merlin,” Harry greeted, rather cheerily and a bit surprised, as he walked through the shop doors and into the dining room. “I wasn’t expecting you back for another two days. Your requested 48 hour reprieve to have with Eggsy.” Merlin poured himself a dram of whisky and took a seat without a word. This seemed to initiate concern from Harry, rightfully so as he was sure his face resembled one of a man who had lost his love, and it felt that way. He leaned forward to grasp Merlin’s hand, squeezing it supportively. “What is it?”

Merlin finished the drink before he had the courage to meet his kind, open face. When did that happen? It was no secret they were friends, but he remembered a time where he’d worn that exact expression; Merlin had been the comforter and oh how the tables had turned.

“Personal, Arthur.” Merlin didn’t feel like explaining anything, and it was personal. He just needed the familiarity of work, a good stiff drink, and maybe to argue a bit over something non-consequential for a bit. “I just need a bit.”

Harry nodded, let go of his hand, and like the good man he was, who understood romantic problems, poured Merlin another drink; two fingers this time. Merlin noted liquor poured for himself as well and they drank in content silence.

\---

“He’s quite charismatic,” Roxy offered their second run around the course. Eggsy needed to burn off some energy after he’d cried himself to sleep, and slept for 12 hours.

The walk he’d taken JB on did him no favors and so he called Roxy hoping she’d enjoy his company. Merlin had sent one text message, after he didn’t answer there were no others, and Eggsy couldn’t blame him, but some deep part of him wished he’d tried a bit harder. Yet that would go against every plea, request, Eggsy had given Merlin in the beginning. His terms. Always giving Eggsy the choice to decide when he was ready.

“Is he?” They spoke of Sebastian, or agent Dagonet, as they headed for a third lap. “He seemed quick with friends.” Roxy snorted beside him. “What?”

“He’s nice, Eggsy.” She rarely spoke well of the opposite sex, often times bitching about how they were pigs, always underestimated her and never gave her enough credit obtaining her spot at the table. “I think you’d get along.”

“I’m not looking to make friends.”

“You’re in a shitty mood. What crawled up your arse and died?”

Eggsy had enough and averted his path to run off into the woods behind the Estate. The sound of Roxy’s softer footfalls trailed behind him; he knew she’d follow. Eggsy stopped by a pond just past a few trees and sat on the damp grass beside the edge. He watched the way waves rippled, lapped softly against pebbles surrounding the perimeter. Roxy took a seat beside him and together stared at the small body of water.

“I’m going to assume you have a reason for the permanent frown on your face?” Her finger tip smoothed between his eyebrows, causing a reluctant smile to form on his lips. “There’s something.” Roxy bumped his shoulder, and the gesture was so expected now he didn’t even react.

“I’m stressed about going out on a mission with Sebastian, and a little worried about the mission with Percy.” He shrugged. “I took it out on Merlin, and now I feel like an even bigger shit than I did yesterday.”

“I think you and Sebastian will be just fine and he respects personal space without you needing to voice it,” Roxy reassured. She took a long, deep breath, and answered the second issue. Her eyes faced forward. “As far as your mission, maybe you should bring it up with Arthur? Could it be shifted off to someone else?” She suggested. Eggsy shook his head. “Well, then maybe you need to talk about it instead of bottling it up, Eggsy. You had been doing so well, don’t let this come between you and Merlin.”

Eggsy scowled at her, but the truth was she was right. Bloody fucking hell he hated that.

“Yeah. I know.” He pulled his phone out of a pocket and texted Merlin to meet him at his flat for dinner; he’d order takeout. It didn’t surprise him Merlin responded he’d grab it on his way over. “There. Happy?” Roxy bumped his shoulder again. He was happy too.

\---

“Thanks for coming.” Eggsy awkwardly stood aside to let Merlin in, as the man murmured his greeting. It wasn’t like he’d have to knock lately, he had a key and all, but somehow Eggsy’s outburst yesterday warranted the change; he didn’t blame him.

They headed for the kitchen, Merlin placed containers filled with cheese ravioli, and rigatoni with Italian sausage onto the counter and doled out equal portions onto plates Eggsy provided. Both settled at the small bistro style table Eggsy kept, red wine poured, and tucked in. There was an uncomfortable air as they enjoyed the meal, or at least tried to, and small talk exchanged between bites of pasta about Kingsman.

“Eggsy, I-” Merlin started, but Eggsy raised a hand to stop him.

Eggsy took their empty dishes and placed them into the sink. He stared out the window for a long moment, working to find his words, before he said, “No. Please don’t apologize. I shouldn’t have snapped like I did.”

“I could have worded what I said better,” Merlin admitted.

“See? That’s the thing, you always know what to say and how to say it. You’re always so mindful of what’s going to trigger me. And fuck I love you so much for it.”

“I love you too.”

“But I also hate it.” Eggsy finally turned to face Merlin, leaning against the counter. “You altered your whole life for me, and how is that fair?”

Merlin watched him for a bracing moment before he stood and cautiously came to stand in front of Eggsy. He lifted his hands, always in Eggsy’s line of sight, and waited for the small nod Eggsy gave with little hesitation, before he placed them gently on his shoulders.

“I did not alter my whole life. I made room for you, just as you did for me.” Merlin leaned in, his eyes never left Eggsy, until their foreheads met. “I feel like I am taking advantage of your intimate offerings. It’s as if I can’t provide for you in that regard, and it has nothing to do with what you can and cannot do in terms of under the sheets.” Eggsy’s breathing was even, well practiced to accommodate the close proximity. “What if I’M not enough?” It never occurred to Eggsy to worry about whether or not Merlin thought Eggsy wasn’t into him; he thought it was pretty fucking obvious he was.

“Gabe, no.” Eggsy shook his head. “That ain’t it at all.” He had cocked this up worse than a fucking freak out; he’d actually put doubt into Merlin’s head. “Shit.” Eggsy tipped his head away, Merlin immediately put space between them, and raked a palm over his face. “This is all my fault.” Merlin’s brows pulled together. “I’d just been freaking the fuck out about my missions, yeah? The one with the new agent and with Percy.”

Eggsy didn’t know what to do with his hands so he shoved them in his pockets, in an effort to keep them from shaking, and looked up at Merlin. His face unreadable for a second. But as what he said sunk in, his frown deepened. As if he couldn’t process what Eggsy said, or why he said it.

“What does that have to do with our sex life?”

“Distracting myself with your amazing cock.” Eggsy shrugged. “I don’t do real well being alone with new people, and I know it’s part of the job. I ain’t trying to snake out or anything, just don’t let a lot of people into my personal space.”

“Why didn’t you say something?” Merlin inquired. “I’d worried I was taking advantage of ye.” Eggsy met his eyes and smiled. “That’s why I was so distracted the other day. I was trying to reassure myself ye didn’t feel obligated to perform such favors,” Merlin explained.

“You could never take advantage of me. I think you’re genetically wired not to hurt me.”

A soft, light dusting of red colored Merlin’s cheeks up to the tips of his ears. “Well,” he murmured, embarrassed. “I don’t ever want to.”

“You won’t.” Eggsy reached out to take Merlin’s hands, tangling their fingers together. “But I want you very much.” He stepped forward, putting as little space between them as possible, and lifted on tiptoes for a chaste, delicate kiss. “Let me dote on you that way-” he placed another soft kiss to his lips, “-because I feel I’m getting closer-” another tender exchange of lips, “-to the real thing.”

This time when Eggsy kissed him, it was rough, filled with love and adoration. Merlin’s mouth formed a tiny smile as Eggsy guided Merlin’s hands up his sides, over his shoulders, and into the back of his hair where they weaved through his thick strands.

And when Eggsy went down on Merlin that night, his focus never averted from Eggsy. At least that was one weight lifted off of Eggsy’s chest, for now.


End file.
